New airline definitions.
- Full service carrier: Padded seats, no charge for use of lavatory.
- Low cost carrier: Bring your own cushions and paper; credit card swipe for lavatory.
- Cabin attendant: Two-legged mobile device for extracting cash from captive audience.
- Economy class: Conditions under which transportation of animals would constitute a criminal offence.
- Business class: Exclusive area for use of badly behaved airline employees' children traveling on a pass.
- First class: Exclusive area for use of airline employees traveling on a pass.
- Open-Jaw: What clients do when they find out what their fare will be.
- Double open jaw: As above, but when they realize that this did not include taxes and surcharges.
- Passenger: Cargo that talks. Self-loading freight.
- Airline Club Lounge: Paradise-like kingdom guarded by dragon-like creatures.
- Fog: Weather condition, invisible to normal people, generated by airports and airlines as an excuse for disruptions.
- No Rec: The passenger went online and booked his own flight.
- Direct Flight: 1) Connecting flight in disguise. 2) What self-loading freight (see above) think a non-stop flight is.
- In-flight Snacks: Little treats sealed in a bag impervious to all but chainsaws. Guaranteed to spill everywhere when finally opened.
- Codeshare: Magic trick in which aircraft from several different airlines leave from the same gate at the very same moment to fly the identical route.
- Gate Announcement: Vital information delivered over a defective sound system and given by specially selected personnel with severe speech impediments and an inability to speak any language known to mankind.
- Blankets and Pillows (archaic): Sleep-inducing objects said to have existed in primitive times.
- Minimum Connecting Time: Time it takes for an Olympic gold medal sprinter to run between two gates.
- Hotel/Car Rental Shuttle: Vehicle subject to paranormal effect. While waiting, every van will come by multiple times -- except yours.
- Overhead Luggage: Rectangular object expected to magically shrink from the size of a refrigerator to the size of a loaf of bread.
- Frequent-flyer Programs: Airline's term for Pandora's box.
- On Time Arrival: Obscure term, meaning unknown.
- On Time Departure: Cabin doors closed within 15 minutes of scheduled departure. Subsequent delays irrelevant.
- Legroom: Small space which shrinks during flight and into which an amputee dwarf would have difficulty fitting his non-existent legs.
"We will be landing shortly, and the captain has switched on the seat belt signs. Please return to your seats and fasten seat belts": Does not mean "leap up and start pulling luggage out of overhead bins while aircraft is on final approach in turbulent conditions."
"Please remain seated until we have come to a complete stop at the gate and the Captain has turned off the seat belt sign.”: Does not mean "Jump up and stand like sheep in the aisle pushing towards the exit doors, which are still closed.."